Feminism is a Cancer

Today I opened my twitter account to find a direct message from a man I spoke to last night telling me to fuck off and declaring war. This can as a surprise as our conversation the previous night had been civil and ended peacefully. In fact, it wasn't me who pissed him off, but someone else entirely, yet he say the need to lash out at me because I identify as a 'feminist'.

I know. Shock horror.

But feminism is a cancer spread by women who hate men, right? It's all militant feminazis who want to subjugate men, who disagree with shared parenting and deny female on male domestic abuse happens. It's corrupt movement seeking to oppress men. That's what Twitter would have us believe...

Men's rights activists jump on anyone who believes in equality but identifies as 'feminist', telling them that they're wrong about what feminism stands for. They remove an individuals right to identify as something by inserting their own narrow-minded view of what a movement is. Some even deny the history of feminism, corrupting it into something where suffrage is separate and the women who fought for contraceptive rights were simply following a trend rather than making progress in women's rights.  They will state that suffragettes weren't feminists and contraception is the result of science and the Catholic churches teaching that contraception is wrong was doomed to failure right from the invention of contraception and so women campaigners were simply following the trend rather than doing anything revolutionary.

They are wrong. On all counts.

But I guess I should start by saying what the feminist movement actually is.

• A series of political campaigns seeking to reform women's rights in areas such as women's suffrage, reproductive rights, equal pay and workplace discrimination, sexual harassment and violence, domestic violence, and other areas of abuse of females and gender equality.
• First wave feminism involved the women's suffrage movement and a campaign for political equality. It originated in the 18th century as a social movement for the emancipation of women, and although the term 'feminism' didn't appear until the 1880s, it is accepted to retroactively cover the early years of what was more commonly known as the 'women's rights' movement. First wave feminism centred around middle and upper-class white women.
• Second wave feminism brought it to the masses, including ethnic minorities, the working class, and those in developing countries in a continued attempt to battle social injustice and cultural inequalities.
• Third wave feminism continues to fight for financial, social, and cultural equality, for greater influence of women in business, politics, and the media, and for reproductive rights.

What feminism isn't

• A movement seeking to interfere in 'men's issues'.
• A movement seeking to subjugate men or take away their rights.
• A group of women who hate men and encourage others to do so.

Anyone who claims feminism is the latter is misinformed, whether they're a man hurt by abuse or are a woman seeking to 'punish' men. Yes, there are misadrists who claim to be feminists, but they have misappropriated the title and true feminist - those of us who believe in equality - are as upset about their misuse of the title to further their own agenda as men's rights activists. We want to claim back 'feminism'. Although, in truth, we never lost feminism. The movement is still ours, it is simply unfortunate that the media and certain activist choose to give the negative minority more of a voice than the decent majority.

So what actually happened to make me want to speak out?

Well it started out with me replying to a man who claimed feminists 'blamed all men'. He indicated that feminism was a movement for women who hated men, however, he also responded positively to my reply.

In fact, the man in question even seemed to support true feminism as a movement seeking equality.

He even thanked me for my comment.

At this point another Twitter user got involved. 

Yup. He entered by calling those who share my beliefs useless. He didn't enter the conversation advocating men's rights, he started by casting scorn towards a woman he'd never spoken to before and dismissing her views out of hand.

He then resorted to re-writing history and name calling. We can note the problem with his claims as the suffrage movement had a great deal to do with getting women the vote and it is accepted as part of the wider feminist movement. Also, women - including scientists, midwives, and others - had a great deal to do with campaigning for the prevision of contraceptives to improve the lives and survival rates of women and children, especially among the working class where multiple pregnancies often lead to the death of mothers and children, and led to illegal and dangerous abortions taking place.

He then went on to accuse me of lying, despite his arguments being largely fabricated. The suffragettes WERE feminist, based on their goals and how we define both movements. Around about here, I blocked this chap. I read his twitter stream and his many replies to me (not all are shown above) and cane to the conclusion there'd be no reasoning with him. I can only presume he's had a bad experience with a woman who has hated men or a women who has taken something he felt entitled to, and as a result he's lashing out at any woman identifying as a feminist or who is brave enough to speak out against misinformation. 

At that point, myself and the original poster also ended our conversation in an amicable and understanding fashion and I went to bed. Only this morning, I awoke to discover he'd sent me further messages, ones which took on an entirely different tone and showed the same behaviour of the 'gentleman' I blocked. Someone else had upset him, so he chose to lash out at an entire movement and at me personally. He then blocked me do I couldn't respond to being sworn at. 

You've reached much higher equality...

That does not mean we are equal, and that is why we still need true feminism. With that in mind, I want to discuss the day to day sexism/discrimination/inequality I've faced in the last ten years, so from age 21 onwards, my adult life.

• When I chose to study in a male dominated field, a woman (stranger) announced I should 'go show those men'. That is discrimination, not feminism. That woman assumed I'd have to prove something based on gender. That is a type of women on women discrimination which sets men and women up in confrontation. Rather than mentioning gender, she should've just wished me good luck. Feminism needs to educate women on female-female discrimination as well as male-female discrimination.
• One of my university lecturers set the class a group task. We were in teams of four and our team included the only two females on the part time course. The lecturer told us that our team wouldn't manage the task because of us; because women's brains apparently work differently and aren't technical enough. At the end of the task we lined up our models without our names attached. He picked up the one model which was wrong and told us 'I know this is yours', at which point one of the men in our team pointed out that he was wrong, and our submission was among the correct line up, not the incorrect one. That wasn't the only time said lecturer made a prediction based on sexism which was later proved wrong. Three out of the four student who earned a first class honours degree were in that team then, one was me, one was the only other girl.  On my course there were two women to about thirty men, yet four first class degrees were awarded an two went to the women, two to the men, giving women a higher success rate. That same lecturer had mocked the idea I could achieve a first during a private meeting I had with him, he even went as far as to say 'if I got within a few marks of a first, he'd give me the extra marks'. I managed it on my own merit, scoring above 90% in some modules
• When I was pregnant with my first child, my line manager reduced my goals on my performance review from 'earn promotion to a senior role within two years' to 'return from maternity leave'. My career no longer mattered, the sole focus seemed to be the fear that I wouldn't return from maternity leave.
• I was not allowed to have leave to attend antenatal classes, despite pregnancy appointments being protected by law. The company determined that antenatal classes were optional and therefore I couldn't have time off, ignoring that antenatal classes are done to prepare women for birth, to ensure they and their babies have a safe experience where the mother is well informed. This is an example of employers interfering in women's issues, denying them the right to attend appointments we should be accepted as 'normal' because they don't see them as important.
• The recession hit and redundancies had to be made. The letter announcing my redundancy was issued the day I gave birth, and when I arranged a meeting to raise concerns, the boss saw me, but his lawyer advised him not to as it had been more than two weeks since the letters were sent. I spent two weeks going in and out of hospital after I gave birth due to complications. There was no way I could've appealed within two weeks because I'd just given birth, but the law protects employers over women. When I did have a meeting with the boss, they brought three people while denying me the right to being in an outside advocate, which felt a lot like ganging up on me. They then lied in the meeting, included most of my absences in their assessment which led to my redundancy, despite the law prohibiting pregnancy related illnesses being used in such a manner, but they mis-recorded my illnesses. They also gave points to people who had attended a training course which they'd refused to give me because I was going to be on maternity leave for a year, meaning I was automatically at a disadvantage because I was a pregnant female. Over the next two years, all of the breeding age women/women on maternity leave in my role were made redundant. I was made redundant, despite being requested by certain clients and having no warnings, while men with disciplinary warnings were kept on.
• Work stopped paying my maternity pay when they made me redundant. I had to kick up a fuss to get the money which they were legally obliged to give me. In addition, they'd 'encouraged' me to take all my holidays before maternity leave so my holidays didn't carry into the next year, but because they made me redundant mid year, they took pro-rata holiday pay out of my redundancy despite the fact I'd only taken my holidays early on their advice. They then denied having given such advice and told me it was my choice to take all my holidays at once. It seems to me that they tried every way possible to pay me as little as possible, using my pregnancy to do so, something that couldn't be done to a man and is, therefore, discrimination.
• A certain type of men repeatedly tell me I can't do certain jobs or tasks because 'women are physically weaker'. Blokes, just because it might take longer or require more effort, that doesn't mean I can't do something.
• A group of colleagues openly say discussing how all trains should have strippers and pole dancers to entertain men. Me and another woman were excluded from the second part of a team night out with the same colleagues because the men decided to go to a strip club. Such behaviour excludes women in professional roles and encourages the objectification of women. It enforces the cultural norm that professional or respectable women shouldn't stay out and should go home while powerful men can stay out having their fantasies fulfilled by almost nude women who are valued for their bodies over their brains.
• Men and women pressure women to conform with make up use, shaving, etc, even when medically contra-indicated.
• I was paid significantly less for doing the same job with the same qualifications as male colleagues. This was eventually addressed, but it shouldn't happen at all.
• I've sat an listened to male colleagues talk about how perfectly normal and even moderately pretty women are beneath them or are 'dogs', despite the men in question not exactly being fine physical specimens themselves. I've never listened to a group of women dismiss the average man in such a way. I'm sure some do, but I haven't experienced it.
• Women have claimed my desire to have kids and spend time with them is due to 'brainwashing by patriarchal society'. It is taking a choice and determining what I should choose for me. That is another type  of female-female sexism.
• The way women dress is still peddled as a reason for rape, rather than the buck stopping with the rapist.

If we go further back, to the ages 16-21, I was also subject to;

• Unwanted physical contact by a man trying to shoving his hand down my top.
• Bullying by men/boys for not being 'feminine'.
• Being lied to in order to obtain sex.
• Being told what jobs were suitable for women.

On a wider scale, women are still under-represented in politics and business. Women are still classed as a 'risk' as we are more likely to take time off during pregnancy or as parents, and their careers and earning potential suffer both because of employer discrimination and social discrimination (society rewards the workforce, but not parents raising the next generation, who will be responsible for the future stability of the economy, country, etc. Unwanted sexual contact or references are still accepted as 'normal' or as 'inevitable rights of passage', which means many women live in fear of unwanted male attention. While men and boys are suffering increased pressure to look a certain way, a problem which needs to be addressed, women still face greater barriers and pressure based on appearance.  In developing countries, (and even in some subcultures in the developed world) women are still seen as property to be owned and denied the right to fulfil their potential. Every day, women suffer from discrimination which brings with it physical harm, emotional trauma, and sexual abuse. It adds to anxiety, stress, depression, fractured sense of self, mental health issues, and physical health.

That is why we still need feminism, and why it's false to claim that the balance has swung the other way towards the oppression of men. 

Are there issues with a minority of misandrists? Yes. Just like there's a problem with a minority of full on misogynists. That doesn't mean women don't face every day sexism or that men should feel threatened by feminism. We need to treat each other with respect and as people. And if you resort to name calling and swearing at strangers, then your risk defeating your own cause. It's not on. 

While on Twitter I noted some people using the hashtag #FeminismIsACancer, users seemed to share the beliefs of the examples shown here. It's time tnose of us who are genually after equality reclaim the frase 'feminist' and ensure that future generations understand equality, not oppression, is what society needs.

Pseudonymous Zombie

xx

Why Do We Wear Masks?

Everyone does it, no one is an open book for the whole of their lives. We wear masks to protect ourselves, to protect our hearts, minds, jobs, and reputations. We do it to survive. For some, the mask is a tube of lipgloss or the right cut of suit. For others it's a hair colour, a car, a marriage, or a standard of living. For those suffering from a mental illness, a mask can be a simple smile when they want to cry, or an 'I'm fine' when all they can think about is how grateful they'd be if the world stopped spinning.

Sadly, some masks are safer to remove than others; lipgloss and a sports car hide far fewer dangers than a fake smile. Removing some masks brings consequences. Devastating consequences... And strangely, removing the simplest of masks can be most traumatic.

My mask slipped once and seven months on, the conflict it caused hasn't been resolved. See, when my dad died, things happened that I couldn't deal with. Too much happened all at once, within a horrible 24 hour period. It was so bad that my mask didn't just slip, it shattered entirely and what my family saw was the brutal reality I'd been hiding. Pain. Anger. Scars. So much intense emotion that it bubbled over. Or rather, exploded out of me.

It was the wrong time for my mask to fall away, because what lay beneath couldn't be understood by those who faced it, especially not while they were grieving. However, it was also the most logical time for me to snap, while under so much pressure and feeling so many conflicting and confusing emotions... If only if it were that simple for others to rationalise.

When dad died of cancer, that wasn't beyond comprehension. It was horrific, but we all know it happens. We hear the stories and see the cancer research appeal adverts. Its's part of life and so families crowd around hospital beds, they care for their loved on on the palliative care ward and cry together as they say goodbye. That's what a terminal disease does in many cases. Even none terminal illness draws family in. The visit hospitals. Bring grapes. Come to visit your home with a box of chocolates and the notion they could, perhaps, cheer you up for a while.

But when was the last time you saw a bi-polar awareness appeal ad or a borderline personality disorder coffee morning? I bet your answer is never, despite suicide being a huge killer and depression being predicted to be more widespread than cancer by 2030. When was the last time you took a box of chocolates and a listening ear to a depressed friends house?

If you have done those things, I'm so grateful you're in the world, because you are exceptional. You are an exception to the rule. Why? Because while physical illness can be brutal on the whole family, the biology can be grasped with somewhat more ease than understanding why a loved one is screaming at you, or why they're taking a razor blade to their own skin.

There are so many misconceptions about mental illness compared to physical illness, so many that explaining them away can feel like an impossible task, especially to someone who may feel exhausted and vulnerable anyway without justifyingbsymptoms of tgeir illness. It's easier to hide a disorder than face the myth-based accusations that come from revealing it, whether your disorder is recurrent depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, or a phobia. That's part of why I'd kept a lot hidden in the months leading up to my dad's death. Of course I wanted to protect my dad from worrying about me, but on top of that I didn't want to deal with the fallout a revelation would leave in its wake.

Only a few people knew I was on antidepressants between January and March, and it took a lot for me to tell mam that I was cutting again, that I was sliding back into the dark pit of despair which had often been part of my life. I didn't want people to know. I eanted it dealt with as privately as possible. It wouldn't have been fair to discuss it while dad needed us to support him anyway... but I hadn't been prepared for how difficult it would be to hold back the tide of emotion that would follow dad's death. After he died everything I'd been suppressing unintentionally poured out of me, and it did it in the form of enraged words.

That was how I lost people I once loved. My inner monster raised it's head and found itself unmasked. It snarled and snapped at more than just myself, and it caused irreparable damage. And why is the damage irreparable?

Because I was blamed for it, even after I apologised for my angry words.

I was blamed for an intensity of emotion that couldn't be controlled and for a condition I was actively seaking treatment for. No amount of apologies were accepted and in the end I felt I didn't have a voice at all because I was ignored. I said sorry for reacting as I did while at crisis point, and people turned away. They left me. Those same people who'd gathered around dad just days earlier vowed never to have a relationship with me again, because I had a different illness they 'wouldn't make excuses for me'.

I was going to list what was said about me following the disintergration of my mask, but the list is long so I made another post for that which can be found here if you're interested. All I'll say her is that loved ones turned away. They turned away because I'm sick. Because my mask failed me when I needed it most.

That's what people with a mental illness face when their illnesses becomes obvious; stigma, blame, guilt and their anger at their own condition reflected back at them from people who cannot understand that their behaviour is a condition, not an attack or a malicious attempt to manipulate and control.
I snapped once. On one stressful day, and for that I've been locked out by members of my family for seven months (and counting). I can't say sorry again now, because I've already apologised for what I said, and to apologise again would require apologising for an illness which is not my choice to have. Ibwon't do that. I've apologised for losing my temper. I've apologised for what was said in the heat of the moment. I won't apologise for my illness too.

I can't take back what's done, but nor should I need too. No one expects someone suffering a heart attack to apologise for the inconvenience their attack causes others, yet with mental health, people dole out blame. They accuse and chastise. That's why most of us who suffer mental illness have become proficient at keeping our masks in place. The consequences of revealing the truth are too demeaning, too brutal, too cruel to risk while already vulnerable.

But here's the truth; we shouldn't have to wear a mask all day, everyday. That confinement is no good for recovery and no use for promoting understanding. We need to encourage empathy and support. We need to educate, not humiliate, but we're also the least equipt to handle that education because we are vulnerable. Ending stigma towards mental health problems can't be left to sufferers alone. We need more advocates for equality with other illness, for securing government funding. We need to work together, patients, carers, health professionals and others with a voice to change the discussion on mental heath and remove the disguises we're forced to hide behind.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

After The Mask Slips

This links in to my post about why we wear masks. Below is a list of things that have been said to me since my mask slipped.

I was:
'Selfish' - Interesting, considering that defending another person caused the situation which broke my mask.

'A brat' - Because I couldn't control my emotions due to a mental illness.

'Not the only one who was hurting' - I knew that, but I wasn't just hurting. I was suicidal. I was and still am on a ledge where jumping makes most sense. my illness isn't 'hurting' me. It could kill me.

'Using self harm to hold mam hostage' - Not true, I'd hidden it until I desperately needed help and even then she doesn't know the half of it.  I cut to survive, not to control.

'You Blow up and make a fuss' - A man fom an accident, a man in pain, might scream and shout. People would offer consoling words and medics would administer pain relief.  But mental anguish... when someone with a mental illness screams their pain they're 'making a fuss' at best and 'psycho' at worst. Neither of those analysis are correct, though, and both stigmatise.

'You just take' - This one was for someone I'd never asked for anything, except a lift to a job interview once, and I didn't ask. He offered. Also, apparently I've never done anything for him... I'm not even going to tackle that one because it's untrue and a tangent that isn't covered by this post.

'There is only so much someone can put up with, mental illness or not' - People will weather storms of physical illness but mental illness isn't seen as an illness, as something which isn't a choice. It's seen as a character flaw.

'Your problem is you think you're the only one' - Not true, but at that point I felt I was dying. That's why I attempted suicide the month after this falling out. I was in need of help just to stay alive.

'Misguided' - I don't get that one.

'If you want anything else, bother someone else' - Can you even imagine saying that to someone with a physical illness or disability? But with mental illness it's apparently ok.

'You haven't got a clue' - Apparently I wasn't the only one.

'Unbelievable' - Yup, that I was responding to an illness is unbelievable.

'You really are an idiot' - Where do I start with that?

'A problem of your own making' - I didn't turn myself into this thing I am. No one would choose it. It's a nightmare than never seems to end and I cant run away from myself. Not without giving in to the suicidal thoughts.

'When I think you can't get any lower, you prove me wrong.' - That's how I feel about my black pit of depression too, but thank you for your disgust at me.

'Ignorant, selfish arsehole' - Nice. Not suffering a mental illness which affects my ability to cope with stressors or rationally think through stressful situations. I'm just an ignorant, selfish, arsehole.

'You put unbelievable stress on mam' - The person who claimed that has it backwards, but more than backwards he's basically indicating my illness needs to be hidden so it doesn't stress others. not like a physical illness where help can be sought.

'I don't know what good I personally get from this relationship' - Because relationships are all about personal gain.

'You think you are the only person in the world who is suffering' - I don't, my friendship group includes people with severe depression, anxiety, and other chronic illnesses. We support eachother all the time. I've stayed up all night talking others out of suicide before. I'm aware others suffer but that doesn't mean I can supress my illness anymore than someone with a physical condition could.

'I personally cannot and will not put up with it anymore' - Can you imagine if I'd said that to dad because watching him become ever more sick was worsening my mental health. I wouldn't have considered saying it. Never in a million years. But with my mental Illness? That's acceptable, it seems.

'Disgraceful behaviour' - My illness is disgraceful. that one just leaves me feeling defeated.

'Obstructive' - I'm not being obstructive, my illness prevents me doing certain things.

'Refusal' - I'm not refusing to do things, I can't do them. a paraplegic doesn't refuse to walk, they just can't do it. why do we use different language for mental health?

The way we talk about mental health and how we speak to people suffering mental illness is in direct opposition to how we talk about other illnesses and how we speak to others with disabilities. Why?

That's the real question. Why?

Pseudonymous Zombie

The Pros and Cons Of Using Mental Illness Tropes As Halloween Accessories

I'm seeing a lot of posts about Halloween and how mental illness shouldn't be used as a basis for costumes and decorations. On one level I agree. On another, I don't. My view is going to be controversial, so remember it's just an opinion. A different perspective.

Do I approve of straight jackets and pill bottles as costumes and props? No. Of course not. That sends the wrong messages. Do I frown upon plaques engraved with the word 'Asylum', with 'No one leaves' written in blood underneath. No, I don't, because it's a useful spoof. Actually, I'd very probably get one of those plaques for my house, despite suffering from several mental conditions (and probably more as of yet undiagnosed as I've only had my first meeting with a psychiatrist last Friday). And why do I feel differently about those two examples using mental health as inspiration during Halloween?

One promotes fear of psychiatric intervention.
One recounts the horror of past thinking and cruelty.
One encourages fear of patients.
One recounts the horror that patients went through in the past.
One encourages stigma.
One could actually be used to show how fear and stigma hurt the vulnerable when those with power choose to abuse those in need.

Of course, others will have different views, but it's all a matter of perspective. As another example, personally I'd rather watch a horror film about ghosts in an abandoned victorian asylum - patients seeking revenge upon their jailers - than listen to another news report on how an arsonist/murderer had a history of mental illness whether or not it's relevant to their crime. One shows that cruelty does permanent damage. Once seems to indicate that mental illness causes crime, even though most murders are committed by people without known mental illnesses. The importance is blame, one points to the failing of the mental health care system due to stigma, one encourages fear of patients.

It's the same with halloween accessories. The past is what it is, a horrifying place that we need to remember in order to prevent it happening again. Seeing a halloween asylum sign doesn't mock mental illness. It says that in the past asylums were terrifying places that people often couldn't escape. Terror is the theme of halloween, so why not show that truth? Many monsters are representations of taboo subjects. While the once spawned fear they can also bue used to create understanding. Maybe I feel that way because I write paranormal novels. I've used real monsters to help others understand very human problems. The idea of something being ghastly, reprehensible, and to be feared can be useful. As long as you make the right thing ghastly. The asylum of the past, the stigma of the past, but never the patients.

The message I take from the theme of abandoned asylum where only ghosts and past suffering linger, is that history shouldn't be repeated because it leaves a legacy of cruelty and oppressed people. It's a reminder how not to treat the mentally ill.

That's different to dressing up as a patient in a straight jacket, or carrying bottles of pills or pretend sedatives. It's different from pretending to be a psychopath who has become dangerous. People shouldn't be encouraged to fear mental health patients. Mental health patients shouldn't be made to fear modern psychiatric hospitals, doctors, and nurses. We need to end the stigma around mental health in the modern age. However we should still all be afraid of the asylums of the past. Of the experiments, dehumanisation, and neglect.

A cartoon can educate. Satire can tell the truth through a lie. Personally, I wouldn't be averse to putting an aged looking asylum sign on my front lawn for halloween. If it got people talking, I could educate them about what being trapped by a mental illness is really like. However, if someone turned up in a straight jacket, or in a white coat while threatening to 'take me away', then there'd be a problem. They'd still get an education but my wording might not be so gentle.

But what do I know. I'm the person who expresses twenty two years of mental health issues through a zombie character. Maybe horror and the paranormal is just my way of finding a voice, or saying that I don't always have one. I guess my point is that we need to be careful about what we take personally (I know that can be impossible, I have probable #AvPD, but I try). Some 'fun' is damaging, certainly, but some 'fun' is an opportunity. You just need to decide how to best use that opportunity. Look at the film, 'Suckerpunch'. An abused girl gets labotomised, that could thrust the film into a negative light. It is about layers of psychosis, but in reality it's about the abuse of patients by their families and nurses. The villains are not the patients but the carers, and the message is that mental health patients need to be protected, not victimised. At least, thats what I take from it. Even a trope or stereotype can be used to pass on an educational message. You just need to know which ones to use.

I know that view is controversial, and I certainly don't mean to offend. As I say, this is just my opinion as someone within the mental health system, currently under crisis care, who just received my psychiatrist report this morning. I have enough real stigma and abuse directed at me, from someone I love telling me I use self harm to control others, to an ex-friend's husband telling me to kill myself, and to do it right by using a gun, not pills or scraping wrists. To me, that abuse need tackled head on, and if we can use a celebration (Halloween) to educate, even if it's through an asylum sign, then we should embrace that chance.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

Guest Blog: Abused By So Called Friends

Today we have a guest blog written by one of my best friends, The Undead Noodle. It relates back to my 'Not All Killing Blows Are Physical' post and it's heart-breaking. This is why we need to stop peer and emotional abuse, and why no person suffering mental illness should be targetted for harassment and have their illness used against them. Such behaviour is life-threatening. In my opinion, it can amount to attempted murder.

To my UndeadNoodle. You are valuable. You are loved. You are worth so much, no matter what cruel ********* say. I know you won't believe me, but it's true, and I'm going to keep repeating it. I am grateful that you're in my life. Even though we can't see each other as often as we'd like, talking to you almost every day matters to me. You matter.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

Abused By So Called Friends

Well, I have been asked to write a blog as a guest for one of my closest friends, and I said yes, so hey. I have been thinking a lot about what to write, and yesterday’s events gave me some good ideas. But before I go there let me give you a small bio on me, so the rest of what I write will make sense.

I am a 31 year old mum. I haven’t worked in 8 years now, because I wanted to be a stay at home mum and watch my beautiful boy grow. Then once I could go back to work I found I had cancer, so went through treatment which was successful thankfully. Now, I have struggled with depression for most of my life, and the last few years have added a massive bundle of anxiety to that too. I am overweight, so my confidence is basically non existent. But, despite all of that, I am a nice girl. I am always friendly, I support my friends as much as I can, and all in all I am a good person.

That’s rare for me to admit. Especially now, after yesterday. Yesterday, a couple of my friends and I were betrayed by someone we thought we could  trust. The woman and her husband were rude  disgusting to us. I was personally attacked online, and my friend was given horrid abuse when she stepped in to defend us all.

We were abused. It can’t be explained any other way. Unfortunately we all suffer from depression and anxiety. We have all self harmed. And at  one point or another we have had suicidal thoughts. The girl who was downright cruel I shall name Girl C, and her husband will be called D. Girl C was so good, she weaselled her way into our group, working slowly but surely closer and closer, getting us to trust her, to open up, to let her in. This is over the space of about a year, so she knew how to play the long game. Her husband, D, was always abusive. He treated her so badly and we all felt bad, supporting her through her depression, through her feelings of worthlessness that this awful excuse for a human being constantly made her feel.

We told her things barely anybody knew. We all shared, or so we thought. And we kept it all between us 4, again or so we thought. We were a close knit group. We chatted online every day. We Skype and oovooed, sometimes all 4 at the same time. We were really close. Until recently.

Recently Girl C changed. She got new friends that she spoke to more. I mean by all means no one was upset that she had more friends. It was the fact that her attitude changed towards us that I didn’t like. But, arguments aren’t my thing. I have always suffered with self blame, and I will blame myself for everything. I can’t help it. I constantly feel guilty. Guilty for things I’ve said, things I’ve  done. Even when I haven’t done anything. I don’t lash out, I lash in. I withdraw, and force myself to take the blame, take the punishment, even if none is needed. I always think I’ve done wrong. I have done since I was a teen.

So, naturally, I blamed myself for Girl C's change of behaviour. I tried to stay away from arguments, whilst still supporting whoever needed me. Oh, and Girl C was my best friend. I was fooled. She had been telling D stuff about us. Because yesterday, after I commented once, and it wasn’t even anything bad, D got involved. He told me and my friends to kill ourselves. He said no one wanted us. No one would miss us. He then turned on me. He said I needed to get laid. He said that I would have to pay them, or ply them with drink and drugs to get them to be with me.

Bang. One of my biggest triggers. Thrown so carelessly into my face. He didn’t care. He laughed. I have always felt disgusting. Like I wouldn’t be desired, wanted, needed. Especially intimately. It takes a lot for me to do anything. And  now, there is no chance. Not after that. I think of someone touching me and I cry because they wont truly want me, will they. They need drugs. They need money. Because I am not attractive enough for them to want  me just because it’s  me. Any tiny, miniscule amount of confidence I had in myself is gone. Completely. Because that’s how mental illness works. Out of a thousand compliments you will only listen to the one insult. Because it’s the only one that makes sense. It’s the only one you can truly believe in. Someone finally said exactly how you feel. And as you feel relieved that finally someone sees what you see, it also breaks you. It smashes into your heart and rips it apart. Your soul dies a little more. Your pulled a little deeper into your pit of depression. And the walls become even harder to grip onto.

You think, why bother? Why try and climb out when you can just slide to the bottom, lay down and die. If that one person sees your true self, then everyone else must do too. They pity you. And no one wants to be pitied. So push away again, your curl into yourself, so they don’t have to bother with you anymore. They will feel better because your gone. They don’t have to waster their time on you any longer. And it swirls. Down, down down. It’s never ending. I could write for hours and hours about how my thoughts go.

I know I’m worthless now. I know I’m nothing. If someone who was named my best friend could betray me, then I cant be worth anything, can I. But, I still will live. I will support my other friends who were abused by D. Because that’s who I am. I’m worthless, but I love my friends, and I don’t want them feeling this way. I won’t let them think like I do. I will support them until I am no longer needed or wanted, and then I will slink away and let them be happy. Because I can be a support beam, but I’m not worthy of standing on the floor I support.

TheUndeadNoodle
https://www.blogger.com/profile/06892693911835590834

Not All Killing Blows Are Physical

A few years ago something positive happened. My fiction writing drew some fans who became friends. Many of us suffered invisible or mental illnesses and we became close, supporting each other. Over two years wevcame to trust eachother. We thought we were good friends. However, there was one in our midst who became increasingly manipulative. She needed more attention than she was willing to give and had a severe victim complex.

It caused a lot of arguments. There were even times when this person told one of us to 'do it' when discussing suicide. She told the same person to 'get over' her anxiety as if it was that easy. What is particularly horrifying about this, is this woman has depression and anxiety herself. Not as severely as the rest of us, but enough that she should understand.

Anyway, back on track. This manipulative person acted like she cared until she was well enough acquainted to ask for favours, then her interest in our health and safety decreased. She had a habit of causing hurt and triggering our depression and anxiety, and when we pulled her up on it she played victim. Often she persuaded us we were to blame. She succeeded because the nature of our illnesses meant we blamed ourselves for almost everything anyway. Feeling guilt was second nature. I guess we were easy targets.

Easy or not, eventually we had enough. Several of us called her out. She did the usual, played victim and accused us (me especially) of bullying her. Maybe she targeted me because I'm more direct. I was bullied so badly as a child that I will stand up against the harassment of my friends, but the very act of standing up painted a target on my back. I don't know. What I do know is that she didn't like having several people tell her to stop bullying the youngest member of our friendship group and she started to air her dirty laundry on Facebook. That's when her husband got involved.

Now her husband is also manipulative; he emotionally abused his wife and we'd supported her through it. Yet right then he seemed determined to tear into us. He new all of our triggers, things we'd told his wife, and he used them against us in the most horrific way.

He told three people who self harm to kill themselves, and not to be pussys over the method even though two of us had already attempted suicide in the last six months.

He told us we wouldn't be missed, even though he knows we all have severely distorted self image and non-existent self-worth.

He also said some things that were just sick.
I'd once needed therapy because when I had my daughter I was so worried about someone getting in and hurting her that I had to check her every ten minutes and didn't sleep. This husband of an ex-fruend reversed that treatment by describing capturing me and slowly cutting the heads of my entire family in front of me. The image of him decapitating my children, my reasons to live, is stuck in my head. He has purposefully cause further psychological harm to someone with a mental disability.

In what world is that appropriate?

All three of us, the victims of his harassment, started talking about dying. I needed my husband to phone my crisis team. Another woman, a teen, needed to seek her mam's help to prevent a suicide, another now sees herself as completely worthless even though she's important to so many people. And Facebook's response to links and screenshots of the abuse... ? To do nothing without further evidence. What further evidence could I possibly send that I hadn't already?

To show exactly why this episode is so horrifying I'll include images of the anonymised abuse and the Facebook report messages. Please note this could be triggering. Also, I had to go through the reporting system a convoluted way because eveytime I tried to follow the instructions aimed at the app, the app either wouldn't do it or wouldn't allow me to add a comment. I apologise for my spelling in the reports to Facebook too, I was struggling to breath, shaking, and trying to silence my whirring anxious mind while writing.

This is not ok behaviour. I'm horrified. I'm anxious. I'm scared. Is this really behaviour Facebook will allow? Is it really behaviour society will allow?

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

You're Worse Than Severely Depressed

Continued from 'Hitting Crisis Point' and my PIP post...

Sorry it's taken a while to post this. I wrote it but was too drained to draw an image for it. The weekend was so exhausting I still don't feel up to drawing about it, so I'm just gonna post and I might add drawings later.

By midday we'd spent hours with the Crisis Team and even longer on the phone with Atos and DWP staff. I was exhausted and disconnected, and my husband was running out of energy too. Yet he had more to do. As we still hadn't been able to contact my boss, he phoned again, although my boss didn't ring back until later in the afternoon. They had a chat about my condition and we thought nothing more about it. We didn't dwell because we were still waiting for the psychiatrist who'd added me to his list of home visits.

It was after working hours when the psychiatrist arrived and I'm not going to go through everything we discussed because I've been through the same discussion so many times since 3am on Friday morning. However, he discussed my history and what was happening at present. He scored me. He inhaled, lifted his head and said "You're more than severely depressed."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Finally, someone had said what I'd been trying to get people to believe for months and months. I also have an Avoidant Personality, apparently, although I'm not sure about that. It's something that needs looked into. I've looked up both Avoidant Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, and while I do have a number of Avoidant traits, I'd say I had far more Boderline traits, but I'll discuss that another day. Either way, I was believed. Someone looked at me and confirmed I was right. Despite often feeling I'm not bad enough for help, I am "more than severely depressed".

The psychiatrist left me on Sertraline for depression but he added Diazepam for anxiety, that will be a temporary thing until a treatment plan comes into affect, but hopefully it'll help. He also prescribed Zopiclone to help me sleep. What a cocktail of drugs for someone who avoided antidepressants for sixteen years. But I'm not fighting it anymore. My condition has long since become a disability and I need to accept any help there is.

That was Friday night. The doctor also arranged for a nurse to come out and see me today, Saturday (I might post this in a few days, but trust me, as I write it's Saturday). The nurse cane in the morning, he was lovely, reconfirmed a few things about the Crisis Team and told me I'd get copies of my assessments and treatment plan which I could then show anyone who needed to see evidence of my condition. I was in an ok mood then. Not like a normal person, but for me. The Zopiclone and finally getting help had allowed me a better nights sleep and even though I still felt a bit disconnected, I was alright. When he left, I retained a little of the previous night's relief.

Then the post woman knocked on my door and hubby had to sign for a letter... from work. Human Resources are not happy that I didn't phone them on Thursday. They've arranged a meeting at work for November 3rd despite knowing I can't attend meetings. They've said I can take another employee in with me... a colleague I haven't seen since March, despite knowing all communication really needs to go through my husband because I can't cope. They haven't asked if there was a reason I hadn't phoned. They didn't try phoning me before sending the letter. What they fail to appreciate is that I was not well enough to phone them on Thursday, although my husband had tried to contact my boss. I was heading towards crisis point and as much as they have concerns about the impact of my illness on the business, my priority has to be surviving another day.

The letter talked about occupational health meetings, about being obstructive, about termination of my employment on grounds of ill health. I have a disability. What they're asking of me I can't provide. I can't attend those meetings any more than a paraplegic can walk up the stairs. I'm trying to get better. I'm seeking help, but I can't tell them when I'll be better. The Department of Work and Pensions defines a disability as 'a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term effect upon your ability to do normal daily activities'. My depression and anxiety is a disability, and at the moment it seems I'm going to me dismissed for that, because at present work are asking me to do things I just can't do and not giving me the time I need to complete my treatment.

I understand it's a difficult one for work. I'm the only person in my role and they can't wait forever. At the same time, I have a disability which I am actively trying to recover from enough to function. I'm not pulling a sicky so I can go to the cinema and see friends every day rather than working. I'm on sick leave because the idea of getting in a car and going among other people makes me want to end my life. I hate myself so much and these letters are adding to that. If someone walked up to a person in a wheel chair and tipped them out, the word would have a problem, yet it's somehow acceptable to send accusatory and stress inducing correspondence directly to someone with mental health issues even though you've been told she can't communicate well at the moment and you should contact her husband. What double standards is that?

What people continually fail to appreciate is that those letters, have. Consider the following phrases: 'assessment', 'capability meeting', 'you did not contact me as requested', 'in light of your refusal', 'medical capability', 'little likelihood of return within a reasonable timescale', 'notice of termination of your employment', 'if there is any relevant information which you believe we ought to consider, then it is in your own interests to make it available to us for the meeting', 'confirm that you are able to attend no less than 72 hours prior to the meeting to facilitate travel arrangements', 'obstructive', 'failure to respond', 'impact of your absence on our organisation or resources', 'I trust you understand the reasons behind this letter, as we do have sympathy with your situation and I have no wish to worry you at this difficult time. However, we do need to consider the operational needs of the organisation and consider what decisions need to be made.'

Those words cause anxiety, feelings of failure, depression, self loathing... they push me when pushing could cause my death. I know I'm blunt about that, but it's where I am these days. I can be blunt about suicide because thoughts of it are my daily companion and one trigger could see me back at crisis point or dead. You can't assess a paraplegic on their failure to walk, so why is it ok to assess someone with mental health issues on their 'failure to respond' especially when you've been neglecting to try her mobile or hold conversations with her husband? It's discriminatory, but because I have an invisible, mental illness, it's accepted.

Telling me I failed to respond is a bit like telling a one armed man he failed to clap his hands. Only in this case it's worse because I didn't ever receive the letters they wanted me to respond to (or, incidentally, any payslips or tax documents) since March and they didn't try ringing my mobile, a number they've had for the duration of my employment, until last week. A number that is answered when it is called, by my husband if not by me.

I'm not being obstructive, not anymore than a man with a zimmerframe is obstructive because he's blocking the corridor walking slower than able bodied people have patience for.

It's not that I'm refusing further assessments. That implies a choice. It's that I can't face further assessments, not when I'm already barely coping with seeing my GP, the Community Mental Health Team, the Crisis Team, PIP... I just can't do it. Does a blind woman refuse to see? No, she just can't do it.

As for returning within a reasonable timescale, what is reasonable? Before or after I stop feeling like driving my company car off a cliff during my daily commute? Before or after walking in front of a reversing truck on a building site seems like a good idea? Before of after I recover my ability to answer a phone call? Who assesses what a reasonable timescale for recovery from a disability is?

As for providing evidence as it's in my own interests, how threatening does that sound? They've had my sick notes. When my sick notes failed to be delivered, HR phoned and my husband emailed copies of them to the relevant person. My doctor knows I'm not fit to work, what evidence could an HR Business Partner and Business Manager interpret better than my doctor?

They want me to confirm attendance with more than 72 hours to spare so that they can arrange travel. They, the people who can manage to drive or use public transport. I don't know if I'm going to be fit for a meeting 72 hours in advance. I could agree and then be floored by a panic attack on the day (likely) or disagree because I'm having a bad day them be ok 72 hours later (even though that's less likely). Once again, they're asking me to do something my disability prevents me from doing. All I can do is say I can't attend. And then no doubt they'll say I've 'failed' to do what's necessary. That I 'refuse' as though it's a choice. Or that I'm being 'obstructive'. All verbs and adjectives that would be deemed discriminatory if used to describe the impairments of physically disabled people.

But I guess that it's ok to discriminate against those who can't attend meetings. Who can't say, go and see a solicitor to discuss the possibility of legal action. It's easy to discriminate against people whose disability is mental because they're less likely to have the ability to fight. But that isn't solely a problem within business, its a problem within society and the government. People don't understand mental illness. There's still so much stigma attached to it... We're unusual so people fear us. We're vulnerable, so people discriminate. That's something we have to deal with alongside our conditions.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

How Not To Talk To Sick People

1. "It's all in your head."

You wouldn't tell someone with a fractured skull that it was all in their head. Don't say it to someone with a mental illness. The location of the damage doesn't change its existence.

2. "You're lazy."

You wouldn't say it to someone bed-ridden with a spinal injury. Don't say it to someone with depression. Being unable to function is harder on the sufferer than the bystander. Support, don't accuse. And if they manage to do something they enjoy? Congratulate them on doing that, because even that took more energy and willpower than you appreciate.

3. "What have you got to be depressed about?"

You wouldn't ask what someone had to get cancer over, don't ask a depressed person to justify their illness. Not all lung cancer patients are smokers and not all depressed people have a trauma in their past.

4. "Stop worrying."

You wouldn't tell someone with scoliosis to stop their spine curving, so don't ask someone with anxiety to stop worrying. It's a symptom, not a choice.

5. "You're doing this to manipulate/control someone."

You wouldn't tell someone who lost a leg that they did it to control someone, don't say it to someone who self-harms or is suicidal. You can't control anyone if you're dead, and self-harm is usually about coping, not controlling. Don't judge.

6. "It's a case of mind over matter."

You wouldn't say this to a paraplegic, don't say it to someone with a mental illness. Their mind is the problem, after all, it isn't functioning properly. It can no more force itself to function normally that someone can overcome paralysis by willpower alone.

7. "I don't believe you."

You wouldn't say this to your son if he found a lump on his testes, don't say it to your daughter when she says she's self-harms/wants to stop existing/feels empty. Many illnesses take away loved ones, both physical and mental. Get the appropriate help and stand by her.

8. "I can't be around you when you're like this."

You wouldn't say it to someone struggling through chemo, don't say it to someone who is getting their medication adjusted/suffering withdrawals. They are suffering. They didn't ask for it. Empathise.

9. "You refuse do to x/y/z."

You wouldn't tell a one armed man that he refuses to clap. You'd accept that he can't clap, which is a different thing. Don't tell someone with anxiety they refuse to pick up the phone/reply to a letter. Chances are they just can't do it, even if it seems like the simplest thing in the world to you.

10. "Just don't think about it."

You wouldn't say this about a heart attack, don't say it about a mental illness. It is not that easy. The person with a mental illness is very probably trying not to think about it in a way those with other illness never do because negative thoughts play such a huge part in so many mental conditions. If the sufferer could turn off the noise, they would.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

If We Talked About Physical Disability Like We Do About Mental Disability...

My aim is to do a comic strip every now and again. Something not as personal as my drawings but a more general commentary on life with a mental illness. Here's the first, Zombies Are Human Too, Vol 001.

Pseudonymous Zombie

xxx

Labelling Mental Health

There was supposed to be another post before this one, following on from my PIP/Crisis Team posts, but as I was sat in my drowsy, exhausted-but-unable-to-sleep state last night, I doodled what I was feeling about myself. Now, as I sit in the small hours of the morning, in another drowsy, exhausted-but-unable-to-sleep state, I've decided to share it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to finally be getting treatment, a psychiatric diagnosis, but having listened to the list of 'problems with Pseudonymous Zombie', I feel like a collection of labels. Depression. Anxiety. Agoraphobia. Socialphobia. Avoidant Personality. Then there's my symptoms, which reads like a list of reasons to avoid me; reasons I'm a bad friend, bad daughter, bad sister, bad mother, bad employee, bad person. Part of that is because I'm blamed for a lot of my symptoms, partly ir's because I've grown up witnessing the stugma which is inherent in much of society. My reaction is to hide away as I try to somehow survive the criticism, accusation, and anger directed at me.

But here's the thing; I'm not my labels. I'm not even my symptoms, no more than a paraplegic can be measured by their disability. My symptoms may be hard to deal with at times. They're difficult for me too. I'm still me though, and when I'm judged for my labels and symptoms, it only makes my condition worse because I feel less than human; like a monster who should stay away from 'normal' humans.

I am not my labels. I am not my symptoms. Don't judge me on them because when you do, you make me into a second class creature. Instead, try to be patient. I know it's hard, but I promise that it's hard for me too. I don't want these conditions. I don't want these symptoms. 

I can't just change myself, no more than a man who loses a leg can just decide to walk without support, therapy, and medical intervention. I am trying to get better, so if you care, please don't shout and accuse. Don't shower me with scorn or tell me you've had enough of me. You wouldn't do that to a physically disabled person because you wouldn't confuse who they are with their symptoms (not if you're a decent person, at least). Please give me the same respect.

Pseudonymous Zombie 

xxx