The Untreated

When I saw a psychiatrist last week, he himself said I was 'more than severely depressed'. We discussed anxiety. Agoraphobia. Social phobia. Avoidant personality. I thought I was finally properly being diagnosed. Then I received his written report, which stated I have recurrent depressive disorder but "there was a report of self harm behaviour and anxious avoidant strategies, however there was not enough evidence to formulate a diagnosis of comorbid personality disorder". That diagnosis, or lack thereof, is disheartening.

And no, it's not that I want another disorder. It's that I believe there is more going on and I feel like that's being ignored. I constantly feel like I'm screaming, screaming for help as the darkness creeps around me and light recedes. Screaming, even though it's hard to speak, or even to breathe. People hear me but they turn away. They hear me, but they don't have time to help. That leaves me feeling hopeless.

I wanted my GP to check for other disorders months ago, but there just arent enough community psychiatrists to see me based on what I think are possible conditions. I wanted to discuss it with the CMHT nurse who initially assessed me, but again, discussing it is really a no go until I'm assigned my CPN and my treatment really starts. That's why I'm attempting to inform myself about the possibilities.

I know self-diagnosis is not advised, but after 22 years of asking for help it's inevitable that I've done my own reading, so I have ideas, but I'll discuss them after I've gone over a few other comments in the psychiatrist's report which left me feeling deflated.

"Crisis team to monitor for 7 to 10 days", I'm already on day 8 and I now feel I'm running out of time for help when I haven't yet been given my community psychiatric nurse. Will I be abandoned again in two days time? I know the Crisis Team is as its name suggests, it's for crisis not long term treatment, however, if they discharge me before other help is in place I know I'll end up back at crisis point. I've thought about it so many times this week. And I'm not sure how many times I can go through the cycle before I lose faith in there being help again. 

If I'm discharged from the crisis team before I have a CPN, I think I'll give up. I won't phone next time I feel like killing myself. What would be the point if the help I need never comes? That though leads to my next extract from the psychiatrists letter.

"No further medical input required". What does that mean? I need medical input. I need to know for sure if there is something else. I need the depression and anxiety to be treated so I remember how to live.

Last night I had a panic attack, when it east I ended up wandering the house looking for a way to kill myself as I no longer have access to car keys or pills. I had a plan to get an extension cable and hang myself from the banister. Matt had to phone the crisis team for me again. Talking to them helped, but it's a new method of coping. It's novel. Sooner or later I'll need more. 

What do I need to do to get continued help from people who'll listen to me? Do I have to make another suicide attempt? Because if it comes to that, it won't be an attempt. It won't be cry for help, it'll be a determined attempt to die. And that's the head space I was in last night.

Here's the thing... My brain tells me I should be dead all of the time, constantly, and I want it to stop. I would die just to make it, and my self-loathing and self-doubt, stop. That means I need help, right? But help is hard to get. I'm in a cycle and it feels like the only way to get off the ride is by dying.

That's everyday life for me, however, so lets ignore the nagging suicidal thoughts for a moment and focus on "not enough evidence to formulate a disagnosis of co-morbid personality disorders." That's what I want to discuss.
There is a disorder I suggested to my GP, Borderline Personality Disorder, although she didn't seem overly interested in investigating. Here's why I think it's worth taking a look at...

Borderline Personality Disorder (this list of indicative/diagnostic questions is from the NHS website):

- Do you have an intense fear of being left alone, which causes you to act in ways that, on reflection, seem out of the ordinary or extreme, such as constantly phoning somebody (but not including self-harming or suicidal behaviour)?

Yes, I do this. I'm terrified of being abandoned. There are days when I'm irrationally furious with my husband and I'll scream at bim to leave. Then stand in the door so he can't, because I'm afraid he won't come back. I'll promise friends more than I can manage because I'm afraid of losing them if I say I can only manage less.

I'm a self published author, but in the past year but at times I've barely written because I've been rewriting somone elses chapters for them because I felt obliged to keep her happy and keep her friendship. As it is, that friendhip has now ended so I'm no longer rewriting her book for her, but I did get drawn into that trap for the better part of a year.

Even two weeks ago, when we were barely speaking as I'd learned how manipulative the person was, she messaged asking me to read over a short story. She hadn't spoken to me in weeks but she wanted a favour. There was no 'hello, how are you doing', just 'can you read this and give me feedback?' I spent three or four hours going through that story for her. I rewrote example paragraphs and made detailed suggestions. Then she went back to barely speaking again. Because my fear of being hated is so great I'll do things I'm not really up to, until I'm at breaking point and become angry, and push people away.

I also feel obliged to answer messages even when I'm in a situation where my phone should be off because I fear people will come to hate me if I don't reply. That's so stressful that I can only interact with a few people at a time. I barely write now because I'm afraid that if I take time for myself and stop messaging my few friends, I'll lose them.

And if I try to get in touch with someone and get no answer? I panic and keep ringing. If i upset someone I keep messaging, trying to explain, even though the flood of messages often make things worse rather than better. Sometimes I must look crazy (by that I mean out of control). I certainly feel it.

- Do you have a pattern of intense and unstable relationships with other people that switch between thinking you love that person and they're wonderful to hating that person and thinking they're terrible?

Yes. Not my marriage. Well, I have days where I can be loving and then believing I hate my husband. We've been together for twelve years and there have been some pretty unstable periods when our 'issues' clash, but he loves me, and I love him. He's one of the few people who can make me laugh.

The real unstable relationships are with friends and other family members. The friends I have, I idolise, but psst experience tells me that I can go from idolising to hating very quickly. There are a few I hope this would never happen with, and I hope they forgive me if it does. I'm really trying not to be the sort of person I seem to be. As for family members...

I supposed I must have idolised my dad at some point. We had a complicated relationship and there were a lot of times I hated him. It took until the last year, when he was dying, to be able to say 'I love you' again and mean it. It was the last thing I said to him.

Whereas the last thing I said to my brother was the he was an arsehole. That was the day after dad died and I was struggling. My anger was rearing up to protect me from breaking down and when we fell out it exploded. I apologised, but he wouldn't accept an apology. He then went on to tell me I only self harm to hold man hostage, which isn't at all true as mam often doesnt know when I'm self harming. We fell out. I fell out with my other brother too.

I hate them both.

I did love both of them. Despite our competitive streaks I idolised the older of the two and I adored the youngest. But now I hate them both, and they might as well have evaporated. And I decided that in a moment. I spent a while being heartbroken over the falling out, then one night I thought 'no, I hate them. I don't care what happens to them now', and the switch was flicked.

That's an unhealthy skill I have, the ability to flick from love to hate, I guess I learned it during the times when my dad walked away and wouldn't speak to me for six months at a time. Or maybe I learned it when friends left me because, I assume, they were fightened of being targetted by the bullies who were targetting me. I don't know. I just know I can press that switch.


- Do you ever feel you don't have a strong sense of your own self and are unclear about your self-image?
Goodness yes. At almost 31 I still don't know what I want to be. The best option is an author because I enjoy writing and it allows me to explore different facets of my character, of experience, and even work out how to be a better person. But as far of myself goes... I switched university course three times because my goals kept changing. What I aspire to keeps changing. A lot of the time I just don't know what I want.

- Do you engage in impulsive activities in two areas that are potentially damaging, such as unsafe sex, drug abuse or reckless spending (but not including self-harming or suicidal behaviour)?
I do spend recklessly. My husband is terrible with fiances so I have to control them, but that involves a battle with myself because I do impulse by a lot. Even when I 'plan' a big purchase, our version of planning is to discuss it without making plans other than 'we'll save up', and then one day I'll be in need of a pick-me-up and I'll say 'fuck it, lets get that'.

I also binge eat. My depression currently means I don't really have an appetite driving me to eat. I eat because my husband makes food. However, I do have a habit of going through stages when I'll go through every sweet thing in the house. My brother has shown his disgust before because I ate a whole Golden Syrup cake for breakfast. I can do that. Eat a whole cake. A family size bar of chocolate. A box of donuts. It's not a daily thing, but I go through periods of binge eating. I just don't admit it because I'm ashamed of it. I know it's tied up with my mental illness but I'm ashamed of it.

That comes back to stigma, though, doesn't it. There's a lot of media coverage on anorexia and bulimia, on how the media encourage those conditions and how people suffering symptoms of those conditions need help. But if the media shows an overweight person devour a whole cake, scorn follows. They're seen as greedy pigs. As a strain on the NHS. As people who don't deserve help because they're causing their own suffering. No one ever says 'this person has a mental illness and they need help'.

So I don't admit my dark, disgusting secrets about refusing dinner but then hiding alone eating a full family size packet of marshmallows. That's just stupid and disgusting, right? More so than vomitting after meals, which is part of an illness.

The media still sees eating disorders as starving because of distorted self-image or mental illness. They don't show that over-eating or over-eating junk food is also a reaction to distorted self image and mental health conditions. The person in the street often expresses the same bias. How can anyone admit binge eating is a problem for them when they expect to be met with disgust?

- Have you made repeated suicide threats or attempts in your past and engaged in self-harming?

Yes. Repeated threats, I've made one recorded attempt, family intervention has stopped several others, and in the last week crisis team involvement has stoped several. Ive self harmed for years. My left leg is scars from ankle to knee. I have scars on my other leg and my arms too.

- Do you have severe mood swings, such as feeling intensely depressed, anxious or irritable, which last from a few hours to a few days?

Yes. I'm in a severe depressive epidode at the moment with severe anxiety. An extended episode happens every few years, but between my them I'd consider myself to be emotionally unstable. I have severe mood swings that cause shorter term depression, anxiety, and anger. I can be ok, then at seemingly nothing I'll be suicidal, or anxious, or easily angered. Then I'll be ok again.

- Do you have long-term feelings of emptiness and loneliness?
Yes. All the time. It's one of the hardest parts of being me, the emptiness that just stays, stoping me from interacting or living like normal people. I can't remember not feeling lonely on some level.

- Do you have sudden and intense feelings of anger and aggression, and often find it difficult to control your anger?
Yes. This influenced my falling out with my brothers. It's affected my interaction with colleagues before too, and my husband.

- When you find yourself in stressful situations, do you have feelings of paranoia, or do you feel like you're disconnected from the world or from your own body, thoughts and behaviour?

I often feel paranoid that people are talking about me, laughing at me, or plotting against me, at othertimes I feel totally disconnected and yes, like my body is going through the act of living and interacting but I'm not really there.i also find it hard to remember things that go on while disconnected.

In the last week alone I've phone the crisis team because I've gone from managing to panicked nauseous or suicidal for no reason. I do have stressors at the moment, but this switch can happen for seemingly no reason too.

So, that's Borderline Personality Disorder, the indicators and my responses. I think that's my most likely disorder and would like that to be investigated, but I feel like having waited 16 years to help with depression (22 if you consider the years of migraines due tobstress before that diagnosis), that it'll be another 22 years before anyone listens to my suspicions that more is going on.

However, let's consider me as someone without BDP as the psychiatrist I saw didn't mention it at all. Let's consider Avoidant Personality Disorder instead, as an epansion of my anxious avoidant strategies which were noted.

Avoidant Personality Disorder (taken from this website):

As briefly aforementioned, people with AVPD will exhibit a variety of common traits and characteristics. Although these may vary slightly from person to person, generally avoidant personality disorder symptoms are quite specific. This does not mean however that someone who shows signs of avoidant behaviour has the disorder. Everyone from time to time may feel hypersensitive and antisocial, and only those who exhibit a number of AVPD traits can qualify for a diagnosis.

The most common avoidant personality symptoms are:

- Avoidance of occupational activities.

I've been on the sick for 6 months and I really don't want to go back. Does that count?

- Easily hurt and offended by criticism or disapproval.
Yes. Definitely. And I'll spend days going over and over critisism feeling worthless.

- No close friends.
No. I have a select group of close friends.

- Strong reluctance to get involved with other people.

Yes and no. I'd like to be involved but I don't know how to be without extreme anxiety inhibiting me.

- Strong reluctance to take personal risks or engage in new activities.
Yes. Definitely. Risks and unfamiliar situations cause panic attacks.

- Very shy in social situations.

Yes. Very. I'm known for sticking to my husband's side and staying quiet.

- Preoccupied with criticism.

Yes. See point two.

- Exaggeration of potential difficulties.

I wouldn't say I exaggerate, others might.

- Holding back in intimate relationships.

No. As far as intimate relationships go I'm an all in kind of person.

- Perception that they are socially inept.

I AM socially inept.

- Constantly using 'always' and 'never' statements.
I sometimes use always and never statements.

- Blaming others for creating a problem rather than dealing with the problem.

No, I'll deal with it while seething at the person who is to blame. At least I did until my current depression hit.

- Catastrophizing - always assuming the worst case scenario.
Yes. I do that.

- Depression and mood swings.

Yes.

- Escaping to fantasy worlds and daydreaming about ideal relationships.

Yes, I guess. I'm an author and I write paranormal fantasy books so escaping to fantasy is kind of my thing...

- Fear of abandonment.

Yes. So much so that I avoid people so I don't upset the into leaving, but then they feel pushed away anyway.

- Hardly speaking when forced to participate in a social situation.
Yes. I do this whenever I'm forced into a social situation.

- Hypervigilant - having an unhealthy obsession with the actions, thoughts and interests of others.
I wouldn't say obsession, but I do have an unhealthy concern over the thoughts of others.

- Passive-aggressive behaviour.
Sometimes, when I'm trying to rein in the openly angry outburst which relate to what I discussed in the BPD section of this post.

- Self-loathing and self-victimisation.
All the time. I hate myself. I blame myself for everything. Often it's unbearable.

- Tunnel vision - can only focus on a single concern while ignoring priorities.
I want to say no, but recently it's a yes.

I've read up on other personality disorders too, but none fit as well as BPD followed by AvPD. And the indicators that I've answered yes to all severly impact my life, my ability to socialise, leave the house, maintain family relationships, maintain friendships. I really do think there's something else going on apart from recurrent depressive disorder, but I'm terrified of mentioning it again in case I'm ignored, or told I'm being a hypochondriac. I'm scared of being judged if I ask for a third time. So what do I do? That's a question I can't answer, because part of my brain say's I need help, but another part of my brain also says no one will help anyway so I may as well stay quiet. Or better yet, die.

This is what happens when mental illness goes untreated for too long. Vulnerable peole whose minds are already working against them become ever more entrenched in their doubts and symptoms. But a lot of the time, it seems the government and wider world don't care about that. Physical illness is worthy of being treated. Mental illness? Not so much.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

You're Worse Than Severely Depressed

Continued from 'Hitting Crisis Point' and my PIP post...

Sorry it's taken a while to post this. I wrote it but was too drained to draw an image for it. The weekend was so exhausting I still don't feel up to drawing about it, so I'm just gonna post and I might add drawings later.

By midday we'd spent hours with the Crisis Team and even longer on the phone with Atos and DWP staff. I was exhausted and disconnected, and my husband was running out of energy too. Yet he had more to do. As we still hadn't been able to contact my boss, he phoned again, although my boss didn't ring back until later in the afternoon. They had a chat about my condition and we thought nothing more about it. We didn't dwell because we were still waiting for the psychiatrist who'd added me to his list of home visits.

It was after working hours when the psychiatrist arrived and I'm not going to go through everything we discussed because I've been through the same discussion so many times since 3am on Friday morning. However, he discussed my history and what was happening at present. He scored me. He inhaled, lifted his head and said "You're more than severely depressed."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Finally, someone had said what I'd been trying to get people to believe for months and months. I also have an Avoidant Personality, apparently, although I'm not sure about that. It's something that needs looked into. I've looked up both Avoidant Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, and while I do have a number of Avoidant traits, I'd say I had far more Boderline traits, but I'll discuss that another day. Either way, I was believed. Someone looked at me and confirmed I was right. Despite often feeling I'm not bad enough for help, I am "more than severely depressed".

The psychiatrist left me on Sertraline for depression but he added Diazepam for anxiety, that will be a temporary thing until a treatment plan comes into affect, but hopefully it'll help. He also prescribed Zopiclone to help me sleep. What a cocktail of drugs for someone who avoided antidepressants for sixteen years. But I'm not fighting it anymore. My condition has long since become a disability and I need to accept any help there is.

That was Friday night. The doctor also arranged for a nurse to come out and see me today, Saturday (I might post this in a few days, but trust me, as I write it's Saturday). The nurse cane in the morning, he was lovely, reconfirmed a few things about the Crisis Team and told me I'd get copies of my assessments and treatment plan which I could then show anyone who needed to see evidence of my condition. I was in an ok mood then. Not like a normal person, but for me. The Zopiclone and finally getting help had allowed me a better nights sleep and even though I still felt a bit disconnected, I was alright. When he left, I retained a little of the previous night's relief.

Then the post woman knocked on my door and hubby had to sign for a letter... from work. Human Resources are not happy that I didn't phone them on Thursday. They've arranged a meeting at work for November 3rd despite knowing I can't attend meetings. They've said I can take another employee in with me... a colleague I haven't seen since March, despite knowing all communication really needs to go through my husband because I can't cope. They haven't asked if there was a reason I hadn't phoned. They didn't try phoning me before sending the letter. What they fail to appreciate is that I was not well enough to phone them on Thursday, although my husband had tried to contact my boss. I was heading towards crisis point and as much as they have concerns about the impact of my illness on the business, my priority has to be surviving another day.

The letter talked about occupational health meetings, about being obstructive, about termination of my employment on grounds of ill health. I have a disability. What they're asking of me I can't provide. I can't attend those meetings any more than a paraplegic can walk up the stairs. I'm trying to get better. I'm seeking help, but I can't tell them when I'll be better. The Department of Work and Pensions defines a disability as 'a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long term effect upon your ability to do normal daily activities'. My depression and anxiety is a disability, and at the moment it seems I'm going to me dismissed for that, because at present work are asking me to do things I just can't do and not giving me the time I need to complete my treatment.

I understand it's a difficult one for work. I'm the only person in my role and they can't wait forever. At the same time, I have a disability which I am actively trying to recover from enough to function. I'm not pulling a sicky so I can go to the cinema and see friends every day rather than working. I'm on sick leave because the idea of getting in a car and going among other people makes me want to end my life. I hate myself so much and these letters are adding to that. If someone walked up to a person in a wheel chair and tipped them out, the word would have a problem, yet it's somehow acceptable to send accusatory and stress inducing correspondence directly to someone with mental health issues even though you've been told she can't communicate well at the moment and you should contact her husband. What double standards is that?

What people continually fail to appreciate is that those letters, have. Consider the following phrases: 'assessment', 'capability meeting', 'you did not contact me as requested', 'in light of your refusal', 'medical capability', 'little likelihood of return within a reasonable timescale', 'notice of termination of your employment', 'if there is any relevant information which you believe we ought to consider, then it is in your own interests to make it available to us for the meeting', 'confirm that you are able to attend no less than 72 hours prior to the meeting to facilitate travel arrangements', 'obstructive', 'failure to respond', 'impact of your absence on our organisation or resources', 'I trust you understand the reasons behind this letter, as we do have sympathy with your situation and I have no wish to worry you at this difficult time. However, we do need to consider the operational needs of the organisation and consider what decisions need to be made.'

Those words cause anxiety, feelings of failure, depression, self loathing... they push me when pushing could cause my death. I know I'm blunt about that, but it's where I am these days. I can be blunt about suicide because thoughts of it are my daily companion and one trigger could see me back at crisis point or dead. You can't assess a paraplegic on their failure to walk, so why is it ok to assess someone with mental health issues on their 'failure to respond' especially when you've been neglecting to try her mobile or hold conversations with her husband? It's discriminatory, but because I have an invisible, mental illness, it's accepted.

Telling me I failed to respond is a bit like telling a one armed man he failed to clap his hands. Only in this case it's worse because I didn't ever receive the letters they wanted me to respond to (or, incidentally, any payslips or tax documents) since March and they didn't try ringing my mobile, a number they've had for the duration of my employment, until last week. A number that is answered when it is called, by my husband if not by me.

I'm not being obstructive, not anymore than a man with a zimmerframe is obstructive because he's blocking the corridor walking slower than able bodied people have patience for.

It's not that I'm refusing further assessments. That implies a choice. It's that I can't face further assessments, not when I'm already barely coping with seeing my GP, the Community Mental Health Team, the Crisis Team, PIP... I just can't do it. Does a blind woman refuse to see? No, she just can't do it.

As for returning within a reasonable timescale, what is reasonable? Before or after I stop feeling like driving my company car off a cliff during my daily commute? Before or after walking in front of a reversing truck on a building site seems like a good idea? Before of after I recover my ability to answer a phone call? Who assesses what a reasonable timescale for recovery from a disability is?

As for providing evidence as it's in my own interests, how threatening does that sound? They've had my sick notes. When my sick notes failed to be delivered, HR phoned and my husband emailed copies of them to the relevant person. My doctor knows I'm not fit to work, what evidence could an HR Business Partner and Business Manager interpret better than my doctor?

They want me to confirm attendance with more than 72 hours to spare so that they can arrange travel. They, the people who can manage to drive or use public transport. I don't know if I'm going to be fit for a meeting 72 hours in advance. I could agree and then be floored by a panic attack on the day (likely) or disagree because I'm having a bad day them be ok 72 hours later (even though that's less likely). Once again, they're asking me to do something my disability prevents me from doing. All I can do is say I can't attend. And then no doubt they'll say I've 'failed' to do what's necessary. That I 'refuse' as though it's a choice. Or that I'm being 'obstructive'. All verbs and adjectives that would be deemed discriminatory if used to describe the impairments of physically disabled people.

But I guess that it's ok to discriminate against those who can't attend meetings. Who can't say, go and see a solicitor to discuss the possibility of legal action. It's easy to discriminate against people whose disability is mental because they're less likely to have the ability to fight. But that isn't solely a problem within business, its a problem within society and the government. People don't understand mental illness. There's still so much stigma attached to it... We're unusual so people fear us. We're vulnerable, so people discriminate. That's something we have to deal with alongside our conditions.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

This Is Madness

Continued from last post...

So, having had an awful night which resulted in me being taken onto the Crisis Team's caseload, I had to wait for a PIP assessor to come and assess if my condition really is all that bad. Her time slot was 10:30 to 12:30. We'd arranged for her to come to the house my late father left me (because my husband is renovating the house so we can move in, and as I am a risk to myself I have to go with him.) I only go between our permanent address and the house which will become my permanent address. They're the only places I feel safe, and they're only a 10 minute drive apart.

Any way, as I said, we'd arranged for the meeting to be at my dad's but at 10:36 the assessor phoned to ask where I was because she'd gone to the other house. The conversation went like this...

Assessor: But this is where you live.
Me: Yes, but we have another house we're renovating and my husband called last week to make sure you could come here, not there.
Assessor: Oh no, we can only see people in their home. We'll have to cancel and reschedule.
Me (becoming ever more frantic, anxious, and frustrated): But this is my house too. It's where we're going to move to. My husband phoned and arranged this! Don't you understand what you're doing? How anxious this meeting has made me? I have a mental health problem. Anxiety has led me to cut over this. I had a panic attack yesterday and cut loads. I had to have the Crisis Team out last night because I wanted to kill myself!
Assessor: Ok. It's ok. I'll come to where you are.

She asked for the address. She asked for the post code. Fifty minutes later we'd pretty much come to realise she'd lied and wasn't prepared to make the ten minute drive between houses. Five minutes later my mobile rang and I handed it to my husband because I couldn't bear to answer. Sure enough it was Atos saying they were going to have to cancel they appointment and rearrange something. They guy on the phone asked to speak to me. He said there'd been an altercation. A claim I denied. I'd gotten frustrated but there hadn't been an altercation. Anyway, I couldn't grasp what he wanted considering it was their mistake which had caused the problem, so I gave the phone back to my husband.

It turns out the guy from Atos didn't mean altercation. He meant alteration. They'd altered my address of one database but not the other, and the assessor took my address from the unaltered database. Basically, they were adding further uncertainty to the life of someone suffering mental distress because their assessor had read the wrong database that morning. Yet that meant I'm going to be logged as having missed my assessment. It wasn't great news when I was still suffering the after effects of my night of panic and self-loathing.

I honestly feel sorry for my husband. He had to speak to the first Atos guy extensively, then he had to talk to one of Atos's nurses who was supposedly checking I was alright. Then he had to speak to a DWP nurse supposedly wanting to know the same. Then he had to speak to a nurse saying they wanted to try to process my application without a meeting, but the Crisis Team wouldn't release the information they needed. Matt then had to phone the Crisis Team, but accepts entirely that they can't release information without written permission from me. He then had to phone my doctor's surgery and leave a message with my GP stating that Atos would be contacting her and she had permission to release details. Then he had to talk to the DWP nurse again. 

Basically, he was on the phone all morning trying to sort a mistake Atos made. Not only that, but he asked if they had an email address because we've received several assessments on my mental health since I completed my initial application and we were more than willing to forward that information. He was told no, they only had a phone line...

Basically, we can't pass the information we have on.

We could have given them extra documentation the same day, instead, they couldn't get anything because it'll take time to get the Crisis Team and my GP to release the same information. It's madness...

(This is madness...
Madness? This is SPARTA!!!!!!
... sorry, I'm a bit of a nerd.)

The thing is, that in this version of '300', Atos are Leonidas and I'm Xerxes messenger. They're madness is pushing me into a black pit, and I could die down there. I don't know what's happening now. I have no idea if I'll get PIP. If they'll rearrange a meeting. Or if they'll cancel my application and I'll have to start over. My statutory sick pay is ending and I'm going to have nothing. I'll need to apply for ESA too, probably, in the coming months, but the PIP process has terrified me. I just don't know if we'll have the money to pay the mortgage and bills, to buy food, never mind give our children Christmas presents. And it's all just so unnecessary.

On top of that, there's an issue of trust. The DWP nurse phoned the Crisis Team to ask for information. Even after they said they couldn't hand that out, she continued to ask them if I was alright. The Crisis Team told my husband to be careful of her, that she'd raised they're suspicions.

Are Atos and DWP trying to sort my claim, or are they trying to protect themselves because they've caused me, someone with a mental illness and suicidal tendencies, excessive distress? I don't know the answer to that. Right now I don't have answers to much, and that's having a negative impact on me.

Continued in next post...

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx