Labelling Mental Health

There was supposed to be another post before this one, following on from my PIP/Crisis Team posts, but as I was sat in my drowsy, exhausted-but-unable-to-sleep state last night, I doodled what I was feeling about myself. Now, as I sit in the small hours of the morning, in another drowsy, exhausted-but-unable-to-sleep state, I've decided to share it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to finally be getting treatment, a psychiatric diagnosis, but having listened to the list of 'problems with Pseudonymous Zombie', I feel like a collection of labels. Depression. Anxiety. Agoraphobia. Socialphobia. Avoidant Personality. Then there's my symptoms, which reads like a list of reasons to avoid me; reasons I'm a bad friend, bad daughter, bad sister, bad mother, bad employee, bad person. Part of that is because I'm blamed for a lot of my symptoms, partly ir's because I've grown up witnessing the stugma which is inherent in much of society. My reaction is to hide away as I try to somehow survive the criticism, accusation, and anger directed at me.

But here's the thing; I'm not my labels. I'm not even my symptoms, no more than a paraplegic can be measured by their disability. My symptoms may be hard to deal with at times. They're difficult for me too. I'm still me though, and when I'm judged for my labels and symptoms, it only makes my condition worse because I feel less than human; like a monster who should stay away from 'normal' humans.

I am not my labels. I am not my symptoms. Don't judge me on them because when you do, you make me into a second class creature. Instead, try to be patient. I know it's hard, but I promise that it's hard for me too. I don't want these conditions. I don't want these symptoms. 

I can't just change myself, no more than a man who loses a leg can just decide to walk without support, therapy, and medical intervention. I am trying to get better, so if you care, please don't shout and accuse. Don't shower me with scorn or tell me you've had enough of me. You wouldn't do that to a physically disabled person because you wouldn't confuse who they are with their symptoms (not if you're a decent person, at least). Please give me the same respect.

Pseudonymous Zombie 

xxx