Why Do We Wear Masks?

Everyone does it, no one is an open book for the whole of their lives. We wear masks to protect ourselves, to protect our hearts, minds, jobs, and reputations. We do it to survive. For some, the mask is a tube of lipgloss or the right cut of suit. For others it's a hair colour, a car, a marriage, or a standard of living. For those suffering from a mental illness, a mask can be a simple smile when they want to cry, or an 'I'm fine' when all they can think about is how grateful they'd be if the world stopped spinning.

Sadly, some masks are safer to remove than others; lipgloss and a sports car hide far fewer dangers than a fake smile. Removing some masks brings consequences. Devastating consequences... And strangely, removing the simplest of masks can be most traumatic.

My mask slipped once and seven months on, the conflict it caused hasn't been resolved. See, when my dad died, things happened that I couldn't deal with. Too much happened all at once, within a horrible 24 hour period. It was so bad that my mask didn't just slip, it shattered entirely and what my family saw was the brutal reality I'd been hiding. Pain. Anger. Scars. So much intense emotion that it bubbled over. Or rather, exploded out of me.

It was the wrong time for my mask to fall away, because what lay beneath couldn't be understood by those who faced it, especially not while they were grieving. However, it was also the most logical time for me to snap, while under so much pressure and feeling so many conflicting and confusing emotions... If only if it were that simple for others to rationalise.

When dad died of cancer, that wasn't beyond comprehension. It was horrific, but we all know it happens. We hear the stories and see the cancer research appeal adverts. Its's part of life and so families crowd around hospital beds, they care for their loved on on the palliative care ward and cry together as they say goodbye. That's what a terminal disease does in many cases. Even none terminal illness draws family in. The visit hospitals. Bring grapes. Come to visit your home with a box of chocolates and the notion they could, perhaps, cheer you up for a while.

But when was the last time you saw a bi-polar awareness appeal ad or a borderline personality disorder coffee morning? I bet your answer is never, despite suicide being a huge killer and depression being predicted to be more widespread than cancer by 2030. When was the last time you took a box of chocolates and a listening ear to a depressed friends house?

If you have done those things, I'm so grateful you're in the world, because you are exceptional. You are an exception to the rule. Why? Because while physical illness can be brutal on the whole family, the biology can be grasped with somewhat more ease than understanding why a loved one is screaming at you, or why they're taking a razor blade to their own skin.

There are so many misconceptions about mental illness compared to physical illness, so many that explaining them away can feel like an impossible task, especially to someone who may feel exhausted and vulnerable anyway without justifyingbsymptoms of tgeir illness. It's easier to hide a disorder than face the myth-based accusations that come from revealing it, whether your disorder is recurrent depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, or a phobia. That's part of why I'd kept a lot hidden in the months leading up to my dad's death. Of course I wanted to protect my dad from worrying about me, but on top of that I didn't want to deal with the fallout a revelation would leave in its wake.

Only a few people knew I was on antidepressants between January and March, and it took a lot for me to tell mam that I was cutting again, that I was sliding back into the dark pit of despair which had often been part of my life. I didn't want people to know. I eanted it dealt with as privately as possible. It wouldn't have been fair to discuss it while dad needed us to support him anyway... but I hadn't been prepared for how difficult it would be to hold back the tide of emotion that would follow dad's death. After he died everything I'd been suppressing unintentionally poured out of me, and it did it in the form of enraged words.

That was how I lost people I once loved. My inner monster raised it's head and found itself unmasked. It snarled and snapped at more than just myself, and it caused irreparable damage. And why is the damage irreparable?

Because I was blamed for it, even after I apologised for my angry words.

I was blamed for an intensity of emotion that couldn't be controlled and for a condition I was actively seaking treatment for. No amount of apologies were accepted and in the end I felt I didn't have a voice at all because I was ignored. I said sorry for reacting as I did while at crisis point, and people turned away. They left me. Those same people who'd gathered around dad just days earlier vowed never to have a relationship with me again, because I had a different illness they 'wouldn't make excuses for me'.

I was going to list what was said about me following the disintergration of my mask, but the list is long so I made another post for that which can be found here if you're interested. All I'll say her is that loved ones turned away. They turned away because I'm sick. Because my mask failed me when I needed it most.

That's what people with a mental illness face when their illnesses becomes obvious; stigma, blame, guilt and their anger at their own condition reflected back at them from people who cannot understand that their behaviour is a condition, not an attack or a malicious attempt to manipulate and control.
I snapped once. On one stressful day, and for that I've been locked out by members of my family for seven months (and counting). I can't say sorry again now, because I've already apologised for what I said, and to apologise again would require apologising for an illness which is not my choice to have. Ibwon't do that. I've apologised for losing my temper. I've apologised for what was said in the heat of the moment. I won't apologise for my illness too.

I can't take back what's done, but nor should I need too. No one expects someone suffering a heart attack to apologise for the inconvenience their attack causes others, yet with mental health, people dole out blame. They accuse and chastise. That's why most of us who suffer mental illness have become proficient at keeping our masks in place. The consequences of revealing the truth are too demeaning, too brutal, too cruel to risk while already vulnerable.

But here's the truth; we shouldn't have to wear a mask all day, everyday. That confinement is no good for recovery and no use for promoting understanding. We need to encourage empathy and support. We need to educate, not humiliate, but we're also the least equipt to handle that education because we are vulnerable. Ending stigma towards mental health problems can't be left to sufferers alone. We need more advocates for equality with other illness, for securing government funding. We need to work together, patients, carers, health professionals and others with a voice to change the discussion on mental heath and remove the disguises we're forced to hide behind.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx

After The Mask Slips

This links in to my post about why we wear masks. Below is a list of things that have been said to me since my mask slipped.

I was:
'Selfish' - Interesting, considering that defending another person caused the situation which broke my mask.

'A brat' - Because I couldn't control my emotions due to a mental illness.

'Not the only one who was hurting' - I knew that, but I wasn't just hurting. I was suicidal. I was and still am on a ledge where jumping makes most sense. my illness isn't 'hurting' me. It could kill me.

'Using self harm to hold mam hostage' - Not true, I'd hidden it until I desperately needed help and even then she doesn't know the half of it.  I cut to survive, not to control.

'You Blow up and make a fuss' - A man fom an accident, a man in pain, might scream and shout. People would offer consoling words and medics would administer pain relief.  But mental anguish... when someone with a mental illness screams their pain they're 'making a fuss' at best and 'psycho' at worst. Neither of those analysis are correct, though, and both stigmatise.

'You just take' - This one was for someone I'd never asked for anything, except a lift to a job interview once, and I didn't ask. He offered. Also, apparently I've never done anything for him... I'm not even going to tackle that one because it's untrue and a tangent that isn't covered by this post.

'There is only so much someone can put up with, mental illness or not' - People will weather storms of physical illness but mental illness isn't seen as an illness, as something which isn't a choice. It's seen as a character flaw.

'Your problem is you think you're the only one' - Not true, but at that point I felt I was dying. That's why I attempted suicide the month after this falling out. I was in need of help just to stay alive.

'Misguided' - I don't get that one.

'If you want anything else, bother someone else' - Can you even imagine saying that to someone with a physical illness or disability? But with mental illness it's apparently ok.

'You haven't got a clue' - Apparently I wasn't the only one.

'Unbelievable' - Yup, that I was responding to an illness is unbelievable.

'You really are an idiot' - Where do I start with that?

'A problem of your own making' - I didn't turn myself into this thing I am. No one would choose it. It's a nightmare than never seems to end and I cant run away from myself. Not without giving in to the suicidal thoughts.

'When I think you can't get any lower, you prove me wrong.' - That's how I feel about my black pit of depression too, but thank you for your disgust at me.

'Ignorant, selfish arsehole' - Nice. Not suffering a mental illness which affects my ability to cope with stressors or rationally think through stressful situations. I'm just an ignorant, selfish, arsehole.

'You put unbelievable stress on mam' - The person who claimed that has it backwards, but more than backwards he's basically indicating my illness needs to be hidden so it doesn't stress others. not like a physical illness where help can be sought.

'I don't know what good I personally get from this relationship' - Because relationships are all about personal gain.

'You think you are the only person in the world who is suffering' - I don't, my friendship group includes people with severe depression, anxiety, and other chronic illnesses. We support eachother all the time. I've stayed up all night talking others out of suicide before. I'm aware others suffer but that doesn't mean I can supress my illness anymore than someone with a physical condition could.

'I personally cannot and will not put up with it anymore' - Can you imagine if I'd said that to dad because watching him become ever more sick was worsening my mental health. I wouldn't have considered saying it. Never in a million years. But with my mental Illness? That's acceptable, it seems.

'Disgraceful behaviour' - My illness is disgraceful. that one just leaves me feeling defeated.

'Obstructive' - I'm not being obstructive, my illness prevents me doing certain things.

'Refusal' - I'm not refusing to do things, I can't do them. a paraplegic doesn't refuse to walk, they just can't do it. why do we use different language for mental health?

The way we talk about mental health and how we speak to people suffering mental illness is in direct opposition to how we talk about other illnesses and how we speak to others with disabilities. Why?

That's the real question. Why?

Pseudonymous Zombie

The Pros and Cons Of Using Mental Illness Tropes As Halloween Accessories

I'm seeing a lot of posts about Halloween and how mental illness shouldn't be used as a basis for costumes and decorations. On one level I agree. On another, I don't. My view is going to be controversial, so remember it's just an opinion. A different perspective.

Do I approve of straight jackets and pill bottles as costumes and props? No. Of course not. That sends the wrong messages. Do I frown upon plaques engraved with the word 'Asylum', with 'No one leaves' written in blood underneath. No, I don't, because it's a useful spoof. Actually, I'd very probably get one of those plaques for my house, despite suffering from several mental conditions (and probably more as of yet undiagnosed as I've only had my first meeting with a psychiatrist last Friday). And why do I feel differently about those two examples using mental health as inspiration during Halloween?

One promotes fear of psychiatric intervention.
One recounts the horror of past thinking and cruelty.
One encourages fear of patients.
One recounts the horror that patients went through in the past.
One encourages stigma.
One could actually be used to show how fear and stigma hurt the vulnerable when those with power choose to abuse those in need.

Of course, others will have different views, but it's all a matter of perspective. As another example, personally I'd rather watch a horror film about ghosts in an abandoned victorian asylum - patients seeking revenge upon their jailers - than listen to another news report on how an arsonist/murderer had a history of mental illness whether or not it's relevant to their crime. One shows that cruelty does permanent damage. Once seems to indicate that mental illness causes crime, even though most murders are committed by people without known mental illnesses. The importance is blame, one points to the failing of the mental health care system due to stigma, one encourages fear of patients.

It's the same with halloween accessories. The past is what it is, a horrifying place that we need to remember in order to prevent it happening again. Seeing a halloween asylum sign doesn't mock mental illness. It says that in the past asylums were terrifying places that people often couldn't escape. Terror is the theme of halloween, so why not show that truth? Many monsters are representations of taboo subjects. While the once spawned fear they can also bue used to create understanding. Maybe I feel that way because I write paranormal novels. I've used real monsters to help others understand very human problems. The idea of something being ghastly, reprehensible, and to be feared can be useful. As long as you make the right thing ghastly. The asylum of the past, the stigma of the past, but never the patients.

The message I take from the theme of abandoned asylum where only ghosts and past suffering linger, is that history shouldn't be repeated because it leaves a legacy of cruelty and oppressed people. It's a reminder how not to treat the mentally ill.

That's different to dressing up as a patient in a straight jacket, or carrying bottles of pills or pretend sedatives. It's different from pretending to be a psychopath who has become dangerous. People shouldn't be encouraged to fear mental health patients. Mental health patients shouldn't be made to fear modern psychiatric hospitals, doctors, and nurses. We need to end the stigma around mental health in the modern age. However we should still all be afraid of the asylums of the past. Of the experiments, dehumanisation, and neglect.

A cartoon can educate. Satire can tell the truth through a lie. Personally, I wouldn't be averse to putting an aged looking asylum sign on my front lawn for halloween. If it got people talking, I could educate them about what being trapped by a mental illness is really like. However, if someone turned up in a straight jacket, or in a white coat while threatening to 'take me away', then there'd be a problem. They'd still get an education but my wording might not be so gentle.

But what do I know. I'm the person who expresses twenty two years of mental health issues through a zombie character. Maybe horror and the paranormal is just my way of finding a voice, or saying that I don't always have one. I guess my point is that we need to be careful about what we take personally (I know that can be impossible, I have probable #AvPD, but I try). Some 'fun' is damaging, certainly, but some 'fun' is an opportunity. You just need to decide how to best use that opportunity. Look at the film, 'Suckerpunch'. An abused girl gets labotomised, that could thrust the film into a negative light. It is about layers of psychosis, but in reality it's about the abuse of patients by their families and nurses. The villains are not the patients but the carers, and the message is that mental health patients need to be protected, not victimised. At least, thats what I take from it. Even a trope or stereotype can be used to pass on an educational message. You just need to know which ones to use.

I know that view is controversial, and I certainly don't mean to offend. As I say, this is just my opinion as someone within the mental health system, currently under crisis care, who just received my psychiatrist report this morning. I have enough real stigma and abuse directed at me, from someone I love telling me I use self harm to control others, to an ex-friend's husband telling me to kill myself, and to do it right by using a gun, not pills or scraping wrists. To me, that abuse need tackled head on, and if we can use a celebration (Halloween) to educate, even if it's through an asylum sign, then we should embrace that chance.

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx