Panic Inducing PIP

I have my Personal Independence Payment assessment tomorrow, but the very thought of it is dread inducing. My throat feels as though its closing, trying to cut off my ability to breath or swallow. My mouth is dry. My heart is pounding so hard I can feel it. I feel sick. There is such a knot of tension in my back that my shoulder blades feel as though they're being pulled together and my neck muscles are burning. I want to cry.

But it's worse than that. I want to die. I don't was to see a person whose purpose is judging me. I don't want to say the wrong thing when getting through the assessment is essential. I'm wondering about running away. I could steal my husbands car keys. I could disappear. I could die.

Part of me wants to cut. It might calm me. Another part of me is scared that dragging a blade up an artery might be just too tempting today. I want to crawl out of my skin or tear it from my bones. I want this to end . Advisors tell people with physical disabilities not to do anything they'll find too painful... yet with a mental problem I'm supposed to endure. Do what they ask even though my anxiety is heading of the charts and I'm one palpitation away from phoning the Crisis team.

I need out of this. But I can't just cancel because I need PIP. What alternative is there?

Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx