As I write this, I'm suffering because a lot has happened in the last year. So much that it piled ontop of me and eventually I crumbled. For the first time I'm on long term sick leave, I'm on anti-depressants even though I've always refused them before, and I'm going through counselling again. I'm waiting for the Community Mental Health Team to organise help, and as of 14th of October I'm under the care of the Crisis Team. I'm still on sertraline for depression but I'm not temporarily on diazepam for anxiety and zopiclone for insomnia. I have depression, anxiety, social anxiety, agoraphobia, and possibly a personality disorder. My world is falling apart.
That's scary, to be honest. Having anxiety makes a lot of things scary, but there's so much stigma associated with mental health and psychiatrists that falling into the category of having a mental health problem is terrifying.
What if I'm judged...?
What if I lose my job when I'm the sole income earner of my family...?
What if I can't face returning to work...?
What if the only way to stop this cycle is to not exist...?
No one wants the last one. The day I attempted to take myself out of the picture, I didn't do so because I wanted to die. I did it because I couldn't bear to hurt any more. My husband saved my life that day, and I finally made it to the top of the waiting list for counselling. It was a drastic measure but I couldn't see another way out. Still, despite my suicide attempt and rating severe for both depression and anxiety, I do want to get better. I want to see my children grow up. I want to be able to go out to events with them without getting unbearably anxious. But I have things I need to work through first.
That is the purpose of this blog, to work through a few things. I want to discuss what I'm going through and why, and maybe I can help someone else as I go. Just remember, you're not alone. There's a lot of us out there and we can survive.
Pseudonymous Zombie
xxx
Just another face with a dead heart...
